ABILITY *
Ability is the natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones.
Ability is a poor man's wealth.
knowledge
flip
ABSURDITY *
An absurdity is a statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
knowledge
flip
ADMIRAL *
An admiral is that part of a war-ship which does the talking while the figure-head does the thinking.
knowledge
ADULT *
An adult is a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
words
ADULTERY *
Adultery is the application of democracy to love, according to H. L. Mencken.
knowledge
ALIMONY *
Alimony is a mistake by two people paid for by one.
words
ARCHBISHOP *
An archbishop is an ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.
religion
ARCHITECT *
An architect is one who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
knowledge
AROMATIC *
Aromatic means an automatic crosssbow.
words
ASKING *
Asking is polite demanding.
words
AUCTIONEER *
An auctioneer is the man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.
knowledge
BABY *
A baby is a loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibilty at the other.
words
BANK *
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
words
BAROMETER *
A barometer is an ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
weather
BEAUTY *
Beauty is the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder, according to W C Fields.
Beauty is what a woman has when she looks the same after washing her face.
knowledge
BIGAMIST *
A bigamist is a man who leads a double wife.
words
BORE *
A bore is a fellow talker who can change the topic of conversation to his subject faster than you can change it back to yours.
words
BORN LEADER *
A born leader is someone who is afraid to go anywhere by himself.
words
BOYCOTT *
A boycott is somewhere to keep male babies.
words
BUDGET *
A budget is a plan for living beyond your means.
words
CAPITALISM *
Capitalism is the exploitation of one man by another. Communism is the exact opposite.
politics
CLAUSTROPHOBIA *
Claustrophobia is the fear of Santa Claus;
words
CLIMATE *
Climate is what you do with a ladder.
words
CLONING *
Cloning is the sincerest from of flattery; Clones are people too.
words
COMMUNISM *
Capitalism is the exploitation of one man by another. Communism is the exact opposite.
politics
CONSCIOUSNESS *
Consciousness is that annoying time between naps.
ai
COWARD *
A coward is a man who thinks with his legs.
words
CRITIC *
A critic is like a one-legged man who teaches running.
words
CURVE *
A curve is the loveliest distance between two points, as Mae West said.
words
DIPLOMACY *
Diplomacy is the art of of letting someone else get your way.
words
DEMOCRACY *
Democracy is simply the bludgeoning of the people for the people by the people. (Oscar Wilde)
words
DISILLUSION *
Disillusion is the first step towards wisdom.
words
DOUBLETHINK *
Doublethink is the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them, according to George Orwell.
words
DRAMA *
Drama is like life with the dull bits left out.
art
DUTY *
Duty is what one expects of others, it is not what one does oneself, according to Oscar Wilde.
words
EDUCATION *
Education is a wonderful thing, provided you always remember that nothing worth knowing can ever be taught. (Oscar Wilde)
words
EXAGGERATION *
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
words
EXPERIENCE *
Experience is something that you don't get until just after you needed it.
Experience is knowing all the things you shouldn't.
words
EXPERT *
An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
words
FAGGOT *
A faggot is a lady maggot.
words
A FREUDIAN SLIP *
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
words
GARDEN *
A garden is a thing of beauty and a job forever.
words
GENTLEMAN *
A gentleman is a man who knows how to play the accordian, but doesn't.
words
GRIPES *
Gripes are what Australians make wine from.
words
HANGOVER *
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
words
HATRED *
Hatred is by far the longest pleasure, according to Lord Byron.
emotion
HUSBAND *
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
words
IGLOO *
An igloo is an Alaskan toilet.
words
ILLUSION * *
Illusion is the first of all pleasures. (Voltaire)
knowledge
IMAGINATION * *
Imagination is the highest kite that one can fly, according to Lauren Bacall.
words
IMPECCABLE * *
Impeccable means bird-proof.
words
INTOXICATION *
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
words
KETCHUP *
Ketchup is the posh word for drawing level.
food
LAZINESS *
Laziness is the overwhelming desire to lead a quiet life.
words
LOVE *
Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself.
If grass can grow through cement, love can find you at any time in life.
Love is friendship plus sex.
What will survive of us is love.
The best love affairs are the ones we never had.
One is easily taken in by what one loves.
Familiar acts are made beautiful by love.
Love is the delusion that one woman is different from another.
Real love is a permanently self-enlarging experience.
When love is not madness, it is not love. Spanish Proverb.
words
MARGIN *
Margin is also called mother's ruin.
words
MASTURBATIO *
Masturbation is sex with someone you love. sex
MATURITY *
Maturity is when you've learnt to accept defeat.
words
MIDDLE AGE *
Middle age is when you exchange emotions for symptoms.
Middle age is when you have a choice between two temptations and you chose the one that gets you home the earliest.
words
MISTRESS *
A mistress is something between a mister and a mattress.
words
MORRIS DANCER *
A morris dancer is someone who dances on cars.
words
MOVIES * *
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself, according to Will Rogers.
words
MYTH *
A myth is a female moth.
words
NEIGHBORHOOD *
A neighborhood is the gangster next door.
words
OFFICE *
An office is somewhere to relax after your strenuous home life.
words
OPERA *
An opera is where a man gets stabbed and starts singing instead of bleeding.
words
PEACE *
Peace is, in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
politics
PEDIGREE *
A pedigree is the known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette.
words
PESSIMIST *
A pessimist is a person who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
A pessimist is someone who burns their bridges before they get to them.
words
PHILANTHROPIST *
A philanthropist is a rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.
words
POLITENESS *
Politeness is the most acceptable hypocrisy.
words
POLYGON *
A polygon is a dead parrot.
words
PRIDE *
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what other people have.
words
PUN *
A good pun is its own reword.
words
PUNCTUALITY *
Punctuality is the art of guessing how late the other person is going to be, according to Faye Copeland.
words
PURITANISM *
Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy, according to H L Mencken.
words
QUASH *
Quash must mean quince cordial, I think.
food
RADICALISM *
Radicalism is the conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.
politics
RECOUNT *
A recount, in American politics, is another throw of the dice.
words
RESEARCH *
Research is an activity that tells you that a donkey has two ears.
words
REVERENCE *
Reverence is the spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man.
words
RHUBARB *
Rhubarb is the vegetable essence of stomach ache.
food
RIOT *
A riot is a popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
words
SLUG *
A slug is a snail with a housing problem;
words
STALEMATE *
A stalemate is an old spouse.
words
VANITY *
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what other people have.
words
VASECTOMY *
A vasectomy is never having to say you're sorry.
sex
WEIRDO * *
Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
words
XENOPHOBIA * *
Xenophobia means fear of Buddhists, I think.
words